What To Expect During A Miscarriage: My Story
In today’s post I’m discussing what to expect during a miscarriage and sharing my personal experience. This is vulnerable as hell, and hard to talk about, but I think it’s too important not to.
I have found it very helpful to hear other women’s stories, so I’m hoping that this will do the same for someone else.
According to March of Dimes, about 10-15 in 100 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. This is an extremely high percentage. I personally know several women, including close friends, who have had miscarriages, but I never thought that I would have one myself.
Unfortunately, at the end of February 2020, I did. I am trying to make the best of a devastating situation by talking openly about it, raising awareness, breaking the stigma, and helping other women who are going through it. If you are, you are NOT alone. Same goes for anyone struggling with infertility, which is extremely common too, sadly.
Nothing in this post (or any of my posts) should be taken as medical advice. This is just my journey. Always talk to your doctor or OBGYN about what is right for you.
my early pregnancy symptoms
When I found out I was pregnant (story linked here), I was 5 weeks + 1 day. My 8 week appointment could not have felt further away. I found out on January 14th and my first appointment was Friday, February 7th. I was anticipating that appointment for 3.5 weeks, which felt like an eternity.
From the very beginning of my pregnancy, I had a fear of miscarriage. Deep down, I didn’t think that would be my story, but it was still something I worried about often.
About four days after I found out I was pregnant, I woke up in the middle of the night with severe cramps. I was doubled over in pain, unsure what was happening. Of course, I turned to Google and my pregnancy apps I had downloaded.
I read everywhere that cramping in early pregnancy is totally normal, and is likely just “implantation”. As long as there is no bleeding, there’s no need to worry, they said. That gave me most of the reassurance I needed. I didn’t have any blood, so I assumed all was okay.
Even still, I was so nervous. I took a pregnancy test every week, just to make sure. Some days I had symptoms, like sore breasts, nausea, etc. and other days I felt completely normal — as in, not pregnant. Seeing a “positive” pregnancy test each week kept me feeling somewhat sane leading up to my 8-week appointment.
A week or two after my first cramping episode, it happened again. But once again, no blood. “Everything is fine”, I told myself. I did call my OB’s office one day to ask them about the cramping and they agreed that as long as there was no blood, it was probably nothing to be concerned about.
my 8 week appointment
Finally, February 7th rolled around. HALLELUJAH. I was so anxious, nervous, but mostly excited!!! I couldn’t WAIT to finally hear a heart beat.
I was actually 8.5 weeks at that point, and when I hit the 8 week mark I felt so much relief. I had read that the chance of miscarriage goes down a lot at 8 weeks, so I felt good about that.
Again, since I hadn’t had any bleeding, I assumed everything was fine and dandy going into my appointment.
Here is my journal entry from February 7th:
We had my 8-week appointment this morning. First, we met with a nurse and nurse practitioner and went over basics, supplements, do’s and don’ts, first trimester, next steps, etc.
They determined my due date was September 15th, 2020 based on the date of my last period, which would mean I was 8.5 weeks along like I thought.
During my appointment I told the nurse I had been having intermittent painful cramping throughout my pregnancy. Apparently I was not supposed to have a sonogram or hear the heartbeat that day; I guess I just assumed that was part of it.
Thankfully, she squeezed me in to get a sonogram an hour later so we could check things out and make sure everything looked okay, because of my cramping.
Ethan and I came back to the doctor’s office and headed to the sonogram room with the very sweet sonographer. She applied the warm gel and pressed the probe to my belly, and started looking around at my ovaries.
The TV monitor was just above the table I was laying on, everything in black and white. Just like you see in the movies.
None of it looked like anything to me so I was just anxiously waiting for her to point something out. It seemed like it was taking a long time. I was holding my breath.
my first sonogram
She quietly asked, “When did you last take a positive pregnancy test?”
“Last weekend”, I quickly replied. I was suddenly thankful I took that test last Saturday, but now I’m obviously worried that she asked. Is she not seeing anything?
Finally, she zoomed in on a spot and said it was the baby, but it didn’t look quite as big as she would expect if I was truly 8.5 weeks along. She said I was measuring at only 6.5 weeks. And then she found the baby’s heart beat; however, it was slow, about 86 bpm, when normal is about 120-180 or so.
She assured me not to panic, because it’s early, especially if I’m really only 6.5 weeks, but she wants to repeat the sonogram in a week to make sure baby is growing and the heart rate is increasing and everything is progressing as it should.
I instantly broke down into tears. Of course I did. Once again I’m terrified, insecure, and waiting. This also means we are two weeks even further away from being able to tell anyone, assuming, praying, that things continue to progress. Two extra weeks of feeling horrible in the hell that is the first trimester.
It’s not that I care about a big announcement – NOT AT ALL – but going through the motions every day with no one knowing is really hard. And isolating. Especially while we are living with my parents and they still don’t know.
It’s hard to feel like shit all the time and have to pretend you don’t.
It’s hard to feel scared all the time and not be able to talk to anyone about it.
It’s hard to play this waiting game when all you want is to fast forward and know that everything is going to be okay.
Based on our sonogram today, the due date is now 9/28. I will continue to say all the prayers and hope for good news next week.
I felt SO much relief before this appointment once I thought I hit 8 weeks, and now my guard is way back up and I’m so f*cking nervous and anxious. At this point there is literally nothing I can do but keep taking good care of myself, and pray.
They’ve told me that some level of cramping is completely normal, especially in the first trimester. As long as it doesn’t get worse than it has been, and there is still no blood, everything should be fine.
My journal entry The next day: february 8th
I cried myself to sleep last night. I can’t help but be terrified about the outcome of yesterday’s appointment. I also feel like my pregnancy symptoms are totally gone. Is it my imagination?
My boobs aren’t sore whatsoever. In general, I’m feeling “normal”, which seems like a bad sign. I still haven’t had any blood, but I’m not sure if that matters.
Another day later: February 9th
More crying. I can’t stop. I’m overwhelmed with emotion and feel like I’m already bracing myself for the worst. If by some miracle everything looks okay on Thursday’s sonogram then I will be SO happy, but if not, I will be prepared. As prepared as you can be, I guess…
Not only am I terrified about all of this, but now I’m also sick. Between all of the crying and my congestion, I feel like my head could explode at any minute.
Ethan has been super amazing and supportive and positive, as always. Like he said, if for some reason things don’t work out, we can try again, and it’s all going to be okay. And I know he’s right. But right now nothing feels okay.
Journal entry February 12th, 2020
Finally our next sonogram is tomorrow. This has felt like the longest wait of them all.
I still haven’t had any blood, but I still feel like I’m having an overall lack of pregnancy symptoms. However, I did have a little bit of cramping on Sunday, and some earlier today (Wednesday). Maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know.
On social media everyone makes pregnancy seem like it’s all rainbows and butterflies, besides maybe the occasional morning sickness.
No one talks about the excruciating cramps that keep you awake at night. Or the fear that is associated with them. No one talks about feeling relief every time they go to the bathroom and DON’T see blood.
No one talks about all of the anxiety, doubt and insecurities that are going on.
Weight gain or my body changing in any way couldn’t be further from my mind right now. I would be so honored and blessed to watch my body grow for a healthy baby.
I just hope I get that chance soon.
I have told a few close friends about our current circumstances, and I know we are in all of their prayers. And I have continued to pray nonstop. I just hope it can all be enough.
I am still just trying to trust God and His plan. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was struggling with that. I’m just counting the hours until tomorrow morning.
I am praying everything goes well and I can get through the rest of my workday okay.
If for some reason it’s not okay, I’m finally going to tell my mom. I don’t know if I can go much longer without her knowing if something is wrong.
Dear God, please watch over us and protect me and this baby if now is our time. If it’s not, please give us a sign.
journal entry February 13th, 2020: my second sonogram
We had our follow-up sonogram appointment this morning. There was no growth, and the heart rate was even slower this time — 81 bpm.
The sonographer told us it’s basically a matter of time before the heart beat stops and I miscarry, because clearly my body isn’t taking it. So now I wait, again, but this time I wait for bleeding. I would rather wait for that than answers, I guess.
I am numb.
At least now we know. And we can start to grieve and move on. Obviously, I’m crushed, but deep down, over the past week, I knew this was going to be the outcome.
As horrible as it sounds, I want to get it over with so my body can recover and we can try again sooner rather than later.
I know that this process moving forward is going to be extremely hard. I have already decided that I’m not going to keep quiet about it, because I don’t have to suffer alone, and I shouldn’t.
It will be comforting to have the people I love, and even strangers who can relate, rallying behind us.
telling my family and friends about my miscarriage
I told my mom that Saturday — two days later, when I felt like I could finally say the words out loud.
I know it might seem weird that I didn’t tell her right away, especially because we were living with them at the time, but because it was my first pregnancy, I really wanted to wait until we were “in the clear” and tell our families in a fun, exciting way.
Since I would’ve been 11 weeks when we moved into our new house, we thought it would be fun to announce there. That was the plan.
journal entry on February 18th
It was such a relief to finally let my mom in on everything that had happened over the last month and just be able to lean on her for extra support. She was/is absolutely heart broken for us.
Later that night, I told my brother and sister-in-law. I had my mom tell my dad. When I came home from my brother’s house, I fell into my dad’s arms and we just cried and hugged for a long time.
I know my whole family’s hearts are hurting for us, and they are doing everything they can to support us, but I wish it was enough to make things better. Unfortunately, it’s not.
I go through hours of feeling fine, then all of a sudden I’m hit with a wave of sadness and emptiness and I can’t dig myself out of it.
I’m crying A LOT. Every time I get on social media there is another pregnancy announcement, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’m truly happy for those people. But it makes me even more sad for us.
I have another sonogram tomorrow to hopefully confirm that the heart beat has stopped so the doctor can give me the medication and I can get started with the process, and then give my body time to recover.
According to my OB, I need to have at least one natural period before we can try to get pregnant again, so I am praying that my cycle returns quickly. I know everyone is different, but I just have to keep taking care of myself the way I am now.
Taking my supplements, eating well, sleeping, exercising but also resting, and attempting to manage my stress & grieve this loss.
Our house will be done in 9 days – that is giving me something to look forward to and will be a good distraction for a bit.
february 19th, 2020: The day the heart beat stopped
That morning I had a sonogram that confirmed the heart beat had officially stopped. It was bittersweet. I had answers. No more waiting. I could start to move on.
But also, that dream and that baby were really gone.
Since I had zero bleeding on my own, I had to have my doctor give me medications (vaginally) that would make the miscarriage happen. Some women have bleeding and pass it all naturally; others have to get it surgically removed through a procedure called a D&C. I wanted to try the least invasive option first and avoid surgery if possible.
Later that afternoon, I got to the doctor’s office for my OB to administer the medications that would begin the process of my miscarriage. She told me I could expect to bleed for at least the next two weeks, but it could even last 4-6 weeks. Everyone is different.
Filling out the paperwork beforehand I had to mark “total # of pregnancies: 1, total # of pregnancies to term: 0, total # of miscarriages: 1”.
I felt kind of numb all day until then. That stung. Looking around the waiting room itself was tough. I was surrounded by very pregnant women with big, healthy pregnant bellies.
Portraits of sweet, healthy babies covered the walls. It was all just a reminder of what could have been. But isn’t. I had moments of feeling really positive and hopeful for the future, followed by moments of extreme sadness, emptiness, bitterness, and anger. “Why me?”
While I waited to be called back, the employees behind the desk were talking and laughing and having a grand old time. The tough thing is, the world keeps turning and normal life continues for everyone else even when you’re grieving, and broken, and your world is standing still.
I kept reminding myself: it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to grieve and be really fucking sad. But it’s not okay to stay that way forever.
the night my miscarriage started
The doctor gave me the medications around 5 PM on 2/19. Around 8:30 or so, it started. The blood and the cramping. I spent almost an hour on the toilet, with continual bleeding and serious pain.
It was surreal seeing not just blood, but chunks, in the toilet. It was impossible to think of that as a baby. I didn’t even cry; none of it felt like real life.
The process was just as painful as I imagined. Eventually, I took about a 20+ minute shower and the warm water felt amazing. I kept waiting for bleeding to stop so I could get out, but it didn’t. I was thankful for the handle on the shower wall that I could hold on to. I just stood there and let the water hit me in the face for a while as I bled.
Eventually I stepped out and back on to the toilet for who knows how long. Probably 30-40 minutes. Then I braved my way to bed. Wearing a massive maxi-pad. Woof.
I tried a heating pad on my tummy for a few minutes. Too hot.
I couldn’t sleep. Too much pain, physically and emotionally.
I felt bad for Ethan because I knew he probably wasn’t sleeping either through all the commotion. He wants to be there for me, but I know he feels helpless right now. Unfortunately he kind of is.
This all feels like a bad dream. I can’t believe it’s not. I need to fast forward to next week when we move into our house. I need a fresh start, a distraction.
I want to be pain free, again, physically and emotionally. And the pain has only just begun. But tonight will be the worst of it.
February 22nd, 2020: a few days later
I’ve been doing surprisingly well the past few days. The worst pain is definitely over, but the bleeding continues. Thankfully it’s just like a period at this point, but I still have to wear pads, which isn’t pleasant.
As far as my spirits, they are somewhat up, thanks to our house being four days away. I’m grateful to have something positive to look forward to.
The amount of support I’ve gotten from our family and friends has been incredible and is helping a lot. Talking through it with people who love me is therapeutic for me. Especially those who have also experienced a loss. Ethan is more private — I’m afraid he’s internalizing it.
Part of me feels like it hasn’t really hit me yet that this happened… to me, to us. I’ve said it before, but it truly all feels like a bad dream. Almost like it didn’t happen. It was traumatic. Maybe I’m already trying to block it out. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Maybe it’s allowing me to start moving on.
When we get into our new house and the dust settles, I’m afraid the sadness will return. I will have to actively work on it and let myself process it.
I continue to pray that my body can bounce back quickly and my cycle returns sooner rather than later so we can try again. Not obsessively try, but not NOT try, just like last time…
what happens after a miscarriage
When you first start bleeding and having a miscarriage, the process is far from over.
I had to go to my OBGYN’s office every week afterward so they could follow my hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels all the way down to zero. They have to make sure that it continues to go down and there is no leftover tissue in the uterus, because that could cause an infection.
The day of my miscarriage, my hCG level was 66,000. One week later: 1749. A big drop! The following week: 429. I was so hopeful I’d be done the next week. But nope. Week 3: down to 79. So close. The next week, week 4: 23. UGH. Still not there.
Then the “stay at home” order was put in place and they told me not to come back in, since it wouldn’t really change anything. I could take a home pregnancy test soon and if it was negative then that would indicate I was finally down to zero.
It took a total of 5 weeks for my hCG levels to go down post-miscarriage.
Like I’ve said, miscarriages feel like you’re constantly waiting, and waiting, and then waiting some more.
First, we waited anxiously, excitedly for my 8-week appointment. Then we waited to go back and hoped for good news on our next sonogram. Then we waited for the heart beat to stop. Then we waited for my hCG to go down. Now I’m waiting for my body to figure everything out and for my menstrual cycle to return.
It has all been so surreal.
7 weeks post-miscarriage
Here I am, almost 7 weeks later, and I’m still struggling HARD. Definitely more than I was immediately after it happened. Now that the reality of it has sunk in.
I still cry several times a week, either completely out of no where, or I cry myself to sleep. A lot of feelings arise when I finally lay down for bed and allow myself to just think.
But talking about it openly is helping me, and others, heal. I continue to connect with so many incredible women who have also experienced a loss, and it has been such a blessing.
People message me almost daily to let me know they are thinking of me, or praying for us to get our rainbow baby, and that means the world.
I do believe that the worst is over, but it will continue to be hard. And I will NEVER forget this pregnancy, or this angel baby.
7.5 weeks post-miscarriage
Now I am in an interesting place. My cycle has returned, which I was THRILLED about. Just knowing my body is working like it should has been really encouraging, and a huge relief.
But with that comes some conflicting feelings. I’m afraid of trying too soon, and my body not being ready for another pregnancy. What if I miscarry again?
I’m afraid of not being able to get pregnant again at all. What if it’s a lot harder next time?
I’m afraid of the virus that is keeping us in our houses and husband’s excluded from doctor’s appointments. If I do get pregnant again, I’ll be SO anxious and need the comfort of Ethan being there with me. Who knows how long this will all last?
It’s a really weird place to be. But despite all of that, I’m feeling positive, and hopeful, and taking things one day at a time.
Miscarriages SUCK. Going through a loss like this is so challenging, and I am forever changed. I know that good things will come, I just don’t know when, and I’m continually working on letting go of any timelines or expectations.
As much as I know I will need the support of loved ones as we move through this next phase, I also want privacy.
I don’t want anyone asking me if/when we are trying again. Because I don’t even know that myself yet.
Hopefully, sometime later this year, I will be the one finally getting to make that pregnancy announcement. Until then, all the thoughts and prayers and well wishes are appreciated more than you know.
Also, if you are going through this right now too, my prayers are with you, and I am so sorry you’re experiencing this pain. “This too shall pass”.
Now you know what to expect during a miscarriage, or what women (and couples) go through during this process. Unfortunately, if you’ve never been through it yourself, it’s hard to truly wrap your head around it all, or understand what it feels like. I hope this was helpful for someone out there. Please reach out if you need to talk.
XO,
Shanna
I can relate 100% when you said “ The tough thing is, the world keeps turning and normal life continues for everyone else even when you’re grieving, and broken, and your world is standing still. ” I remember almost feeling angry that life continues, that my husband seems to go about his normal routine, that my family and friends not knowing are going about their normal life meanwhile mines has stopped to try to process what just happened. Thank you for sharing your story it’s helpful to hear I’m not alone in sharing the same thoughts/feelings. Praying for our rainbow babies 🙏🏽💜
Ugh, I’m so sorry you know this pain, too. It is so helpful to know you’re not alone, though. All of your thoughts and feelings are 100% valid. And it sucks when other people don’t know what happened, or just don’t fully understand (which they can’t, unless they’ve been through it, too). We will both get our rainbows someday, and they will be so worth the wait. Thinking of you!!! <3
Love you so so so much my Shanny. You are a rockstar.
Love YOU, Hilly. So thankful for you. <3
This was SO helpful for me! I very recently went through my first miscarriage and I can honestly say that it was and still is very painful for me. My friend suggested following your page and your posts and this blog has made me feel so much better. Going through this has made me feel like I’m being “crazy” so it’s nice to know that what I’m feeling is normal. Thank you for being so open about your journey, just know you are helping so many women! Praying for you, and praying one day we will all get our rainbow babies!❤️🌈
Oh, Brooke. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, too. It’s so, so hard. You are absolutely NOT crazy, and you’re definitely not alone. I’m so glad this was helpful for you; that was my goal! It helps me to hear from other women too, so I really appreciate you leaving this message. Feel free to reach out anytime. All the prayers for you during this difficult time, and YES, we will get our rainbow babies someday soon. XO <3
I am so sorry you had to go through this. It is such a difficult time and so hard for husbands to know how to help you out. I went through a miscarriage in 2002. We had a healthy 3 year old daughter with a perfect pregnancy so I never thought it would happen to me. It was tough, but when you do get pregnant again and you hold that rainbow baby in yours arms, it is an amazing feeling! After our second daughter, we also had a son.
I am praying that your body heals and your experience going forward is amazing 🌈🤗
Thank you so much, Allison. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced this, too, but so glad you got your rainbow baby afterwards. I do have faith that good things will come, and just have to do my very best to be patient with the process. Thank you again for your kind words! <3
I am 2.5 weeks post-miscarriage and your words resonated so much with me. So many of the same emotions. After a “normal” first pregnancy with my son being 3, it was the last thing I expected. I think one of the things I’m mourning the most is the blissful ignorance of it next pregnancy. It’ll be hard to not dread every weekly check. I’m still waiting for the darn number to get to zero, which I think will help close the chapter some, too. Thanks for sharing, it will help so many.
Oh I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this, and in the thick of it right now. It breaks my heart for you. Waiting for your levels to go to zero is excruciating, I know. I pray that you find peace in all of this soon, and know that it’s okay to grieve this for a long, long time. I’m about 10 weeks out from mine and met with a grief counselor the other day and it was so helpful. I also have a post about dealing with grief that includes lots of books and resources you might consider looking into. Virtual hugs and prayers your way. XO
Hi Shanna
Am currently in hospital at a loss of words and thoughts with a miscarriage. at omost 9 weeks Ive had to under go an emergency operation when the noticed my hcg went low. As much as i did not hold my baby or see her i blame myself and question myself on what did i do that went wrong…my 2nd miscarriage this year. to see my husband cry feels like I failed him the 2nd time. My 1st pregnancy was just 4weeks old , but as of this one 8weeks into 9weeks and I wondered why isn’t it working for me? I dont even know who to talk to…no one understands my pain..how can I be strong, how do I face the world after all my excitement the saw me in with the pregnancy news…i can’t stop cry but at the same time trying to be strong for my husband to. When will my time come. am so tired of people always asking me when will I have children without them know my miscarriage pains and how we have tired. Reading your message encouraged me this morning my 2nd day in the hospital that its ok to cry and that its ok my time will come am trying to stand on Faith….yet still cry and wishing my baby would have lived but I know my mum and dad are with her in heaven till we met agine. I pray for your 🌈 baby and i for mine.
29/09/20 Sweden
Aww, I am so so sorry to hear about your losses, Hope. I know how devastating it can be, but please try not to blame yourself. You didn’t do anything to cause this, and I know it doesn’t make sense sometimes. My best friend had two miscarriages back to back last year, and she just welcomed her rainbow baby. Try to stay hopeful — but allow yourself to grieve as much as you need. I also have a blog post on dealing with grief that you might find helpful with some books/podcasts and other resources that other moms shared with me. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you navigate this difficult journey. I pray that you will get your rainbow baby, too! <3
Thank you for posting this! I think most people try hide their feelings or down play how much it affected them so it’s really refreshing to read something real.
I completely agree with you! Thank you so much for reading and for your feedback. <3
Thank you for posting this, I could not have put it better myself so sorry for your lose, I myself am going through my 3rd miscarriage as I post this I’m hoping I have passed everything and the physical part is over just the emotional part to get through now. I have had 3 pregnancys but no babies too show for them I have feel pregnant the last 3 Septembers in a row and lost 2 in the October and one in the November. I’m now 37 and thinking my time to be a mum has run out on me, have now been referred to a rmc so hoping to get an app in bot 2 to 3 months time and hoping I get to hold my rainbow one day. 🍀💚
I am so, so sorry for your losses. It is devastating to go through even once, let alone three times. My heart breaks for you and I hope you can allow yourself time to grieve and heal during this difficult season, and lean on loved ones. I pray that you will get your rainbow baby too! Thank you so much for your vulnerability.
Hi Shanna,
I found out this morning in my dating ultrasound at 8 weeks that our baby has no heartbeat… I am waiting now for Monday when my d&c is scheduled… however, I feel like my body has other plans for me as I’ve started cramping.. no blood yet… but it feels like it’s coming 🙁
I googled what it’s like to miscarry so I’m prepared as its the weekend and I’m so glad you shared your story. They are pretty similar… I was peeing on a stick every few days too just to make sure it was still there… and at week 7.5, my symptoms started to disappear and here I am today… waiting to see what happens.
Thanks for sharing, I know kind of what to expect now if it does happen before Monday.
Good luck with it all and may we both be holding onto our rainbow babies soon xxx
Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry to hear this. It is a horrible thing to go through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Prayers for you as you navigate this next chapter. Allow yourself to grieve as long as you need, however you need. I’m so glad my sharing my story was helpful for you and made you feel less alone. You’re definitely not alone! Thank you for so much for reaching out — I hope you get your rainbow baby soon, too, and I hope your procedure today goes as smoothly as possible. <3
Thank you for being open and vulnerable and posting this. I am supposed to be 13 weeks along, but we found out that our baby that was fine on the ultrasound weeks ago, no longer has a heartbeat and stopped developing. It’s encouraging to get a little insight about what is going on from someone who has been through it. You have given me lots of hope! Thank you! I’m am so thankful I found this post.
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m glad that my post can provide some insight regarding what to expect, and hopefully provide some hope now that we are expecting our rainbow baby. It’s such a difficult journey, but I believe I am so much stronger for it. So many prayers for you as you navigate this difficult time. Lean on your loved ones and grieve for as long as you need to, however you need to. Thinking of you! <3
“No one talks about feeling relief every time they go to the bathroom and DON’T see blood.” Truer words have never been spoken. I’ve had two miscarriages in the past three months, one at 5 weeks and the second at 8. You beautifully capture the pain, fear, and guilt I continue to feel. I wish you and your partner luck on this journey. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am so, so sorry for your losses. You are not alone. So many prayers for you as you navigate next steps and continue to grieve. <3
Thank you for sharing your story so raw an openly. I just found out I had a miscarriage yesterday after going to the ER due to bleeding and cramping. I was I think 5-6 weeks and had not yet even been able to see a dr due to their busy schedule but did have an appt for the 5th of Jan. I had taken two positive tests prior and I knew I was pregnant, but by the time I got to the ER they said there was no sign of a baby and my HCG levels were low, meaning I had probably miscarried earlier and I was just feeling the symptoms now. I’m struggling as it’s all fresh and this was our first pregnancy. I too let myself feel the highs of excitement and honestly pushed the thought of this happening far from my mind as i wanted to be positive and enjoy the experience. I do feel thankful though that this experience has shown me that it is possible, I am healthy and I know we will get through this.
I so appreciate reading your story and knowing that there are others out there that have experienced and felt similar things. Take care and Wishing you both all the positive vibes on your journey and good things in the future!
Ugh, I’m so so sorry to hear this. 🙁 It is absolutely devastating to receive that news, especially when it is your first pregnancy and you are so hopeful and it’s all so overwhelming already. You are absolutely right; you will get through it, but give yourself permission to grieve however you need to, as long as you need to. Lean on others that you feel comfortable talking to about it, or consider talking to a grief counselor if needed. I personally found that super helpful. You are absolutely not alone and I’m so sorry you have to be part of this rotten club. I pray that you find peace soon and that you get your rainbow baby when the time is right. Thank you so much for your well wishes. <3
Your story has brought me much comfort, thank you so much for sharing. I am waiting for my body to start processing the miscarriage, the uncertainty of when it will begin is so difficult. I have the medication to induce it but not quite ready for that yet. I too experienced seeing the baby and heartbeat at one appointment and then stillness and silence at the other. It’s been such a rollercoaster. It sure is a waiting game like you said. Praying for peace and healing for us all.
I am so, so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I’m so glad to hear my story was helpful for you. It is definitely nice to know that you’re not alone, but I know it doesn’t make the process easier. So many prayers for you as you navigate these next few months. Lean on your loved ones as much as you can, and let yourself grieve as much as you need. Thinking of you! <3
I had my first appointment with my OBGYN today. I was so excited to see my baby. He asked me if I was spotting and I told him yes it started yesterday, first it was light brown discharge then after a few hours, there was a light pink discharge. He was like, it’s normal on first trimester. After he did the pap smear, he did the ultrasound, he said your 8 weeks and some days pregnant and then suddenly he was like, I can’t find a heartbeat. Right there and then I just burst in tears. He told me to go to a different facility just to confirm but both ultrasounds have the same results. The doctor concluded that it was a missed abortion and I cried again. I dont know how long til I’ll get over this but it’s really hard.
I am so, so sorry to hear this. I know how devastating it is to get that news. Unfortunately you can’t put a timeline on grief. It tends to come in waves. I would just encourage you to give yourself permission to be sad/mad/confused and grieve however you need to and as long as you need to, but also lean on loved ones as much as you can (if you feel comfortable). Talking about it with others, especially those who had also been through it before, was really therapeutic for me. You are in my thoughts and prayers. <3
Wow, I’m somewhat going through the same thing . Unfortunately I’m 6 weeks and I’ve been bleeding , cramping and lots of clots just coming out . All for the doctors to tell me the baby is still there w/a heart rate of 68 bpm. They say it’s a 50/50 chance and that some ppl make it through this stage but part of me thinks they’re just telling me that so I won’t be too down. I have to wait until my 8 week appointment, which is taking forever !! Part of me believe I’m having a miscarriage and the other part is a little hope , idk my mind is all over
Ugh, I’m so sorry. I know the feeling of just having to wait and see what happens and it is just awful. I hate that you’re going through this. Lean on your loved ones as much as you can during this time for support. Thinking of and praying for you. <3
I’m waiting for the “let’s confirm the heart beat stopped” scan this week, and stumbled across this as I was avoiding sleep. This is my second miscarriage, but much further along. Thank you for your candor and authenticity, as I look forward feeling many of these same things in the coming weeks. Thank you
Ugh, I’m so sorry. That wait is excruciating, and finally getting an answer is bittersweet. It’s nice to know for sure, but obviously so heartbreaking to confirm it has stopped. I feel for you, and I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this, especially more than once. Take care of yourself as much as you can and lean on your people. Thinking of you <3
Trusting I found your post for “a reason”. I’m 40 and was pregnant for the first time. All signs were great and because of my age, I was able to get blood test and ultrasounds early on. Last week, at almost 7 weeks, the ultrasound showed a fetal pole and amazing heartbeat. It was the best news I could have received. Yesterday was supposed to be the day I “graduated” from my fertility doctor…. the nurse uttered the words “Michele, I have bad news” and I could see the horrible look on her face. It was like a bad dream. The baby only grew a bit more from the last week and there was no heartbeat. It was like the world stopped and I was frozen. I know deep down, as a big believer in God and trusting the process, that it’s all happening for a reason. I truly believe I’ll be a mommy one day to a healthy baby and this was a tough reminder of how resilient I am as a person. May god bless you and all who are struggling. With an amazing emotional support system, you truly do feel like a superhero and one that can get through anything. For now, I was told to wait to miscarry naturally. Anxious about what my experience will be but doing my best to stay calm and positive. Love and light to you and all of your followers 😘❤️🙏🏻❤️
Oh, Michele, I am so, so deeply sorry. : ( This breaks my heart. As someone who has been there, and now has my rainbow baby, I do believe that things happen for a reason, although it is nearly impossible to see that at the time. I will say prayers for you to find peace and healing during this very difficult time, and I hope you get some good news in the near future. You will be a momma someday, one way or another. Thinking of you — lean on your people as much as you can right now. <3
Shanna,
I remember reading this when you had first gone through this… and you’re right, until you’ve gone through it yourself, you truly don’t know how to talk to someone or how to feel about it. I miscarried in December, 2 weeks before Christmas and announcing to our families that we were expecting. I was devastated. We had been trying for 6 months. I remember being told I was miscarrying after finding blood weeks before our first appointment. It was a punch in the gut. There was nothing I could do to change anything that had happened. Fast forward to today and I am 4 weeks & 4 days. I am VERY early into pregnancy and so very nervous to wait another 4 weeks before seeing anything. I did do blood work on Friday and they said my numbers are increasing as they should be. I am anxious about everything I do from exercise to what I am eating. Every time I go to the bathroom, I am checking for blood. I know that most of this is out of my control, and all I can do is wait. Reading your blog again helps me relate and know that how I am feeling is completely normal. I know that all will work out with Gods plan and I can only hope that this is our time. Thank you <3
Oh, Leah – I’m so sorry that you had to go through this, too. Congratulations on your pregnancy now! All of the prayers that it continues to progress and you have a safe and healthy pregnancy and get your rainbow baby, too. Yes, everything you are feeling is 100% normal. I experienced all of the same fears and anxiety early in my pregnancy with Rhett. It’s definitely encouraging to hear that your bloodwork is looking good! Try to think positive thoughts as much as possible, as hard as it is. I drove myself crazy thinking of all the “what if’s” and it didn’t do any good!! Easier said than done, I know. You got this girl. Thinking of you and praying for you! <3
Thank you for being so candid about your story. I’m currently going through a miscarriage and it is extremely difficult. I chose early on to let certain people know I was pregnant bc I’m 40 and I understand the risks you take when you open yourself up to being a parent. There are people praying for me and my husband and know what to say and not to say or who have experienced this themselves. I am so grateful to have them. Thank you for walking us through your process. It truly helps my mind be at peace in the middle of chaos. Many blessings to you and your husband ❤️
I am so, so sorry to hear this, Laura. I’m so glad to hear that you have a good support system during such a difficult time — that truly makes all the difference. All of the prayers for your family as you navigate the coming months of grieving and healing. <3
I’m in the middle of this right now and I’m so so angry. I had my 10.5w appointment yesterday; our first ultrasound! And instead of seeing the baby and hearing a heartbeat, my worst fear was made reality. They only saw a single yolk sac and will likely induce a miscarriage. I’m heartbroken and feel like I’ll never be whole again.
I’m in the middle of this right now and I’m so so angry. I had my 10.5w appointment yesterday; our first ultrasound! And instead of seeing the baby and hearing a heartbeat, my worst fear was made reality. They only saw a single yolk sac and will likely induce a miscarriage. I’m heartbroken and feel like I’ll never be whole again.
Thank you for sharing your story. People’s stories seem to be the only semi-comforting at this time.
Ugh, I am so, so sorry. It is truly the most devastating feeling, and I remember it so well. I remember feeling empty, too, and numb for a while. I agree that hearing other people’s stories is therapeutic and helpful to know you’re not alone. I know it hurts so badly right now, but I promise good things will come eventually. It is impossible to feel hopeful when you’re in the thick of it, but with time you will begin to heal physically and emotionally. As someone who got their rainbow baby 9 weeks ago, I can tell you that now I can’t imagine my life without this baby, so it all just makes sense. But that does not erase the pain of having that experience and I pray that you will get your rainbow baby, too. Thinking of and praying for you. <3
I just reread your whole post after reading it back when you first posted it. It breaks my heart to say I am currently going through this right now. I went for an ultrasound last week at 7 weeks along and was told everything looked great l. We even saw a strong heartbeat but the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks 1 day. They told me it was nothing to worry about it just meant the due date I had originally thought was a little off and I wasn’t quite as far along as I thought. They told me everything should be fine but said I could schedule an ultrasound for the next week just to help reassure me because they could tell how anxious I was. Second ultrasound was this morning and they couldn’t find a heartbeat and baby was only measuring at 6 weeks 2 days. I was in complete disbelief, how could I have seen a strong heartbeat less than a week ago and told everything looked perfect only to have the heartbeat stop less than a week later? This was my first pregnancy after having a difficult time getting pregnant and my husband and I are devastated. I’m now waiting for my body to hopefully naturally miscarry. I am so scared to start over again and how long it might take us to conceive again. I am devastated but also so anxious for my cycle to return and be able to try again. Thank you for sharing your story, it helps to hear other women’s stories.
Oh Lindsay… I am so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you and your husband. It is absolutely devastating to go through and I had ALL of the exact thoughts and feelings that you are having now. Part of you wants to get it over with and move forward so you can try again; the other part of you doesn’t want to let go of that baby/pregnancy, and also feels terrified to try again. It’s an emotional roller coaster, and the next few months as you grieve will likely be as well. Let yourself feel all the things and grieve however you need to. The pain and sadness of going through this will never fully go away, but it does fade with time, and you will come out so much stronger on the other side. I’m so glad that reading my story was helpful for you — unfortunately, you are not alone in this. Feel free to DM me on IG if you have questions or need anything. Praying for you as you navigate this process and heal both physically and mentally. I hope you get your rainbow baby sometime soon. <3
This was a great article and I’m really happy you wrote passages from your journal. I have very similar sentiments in my own. I’m currently pregnant for a second time. The first ended at 8 weeks and unfortunately, I believe I’m miscarrying for a second time. No, I KNOW I am. I went in to the ER today because of bleeding, but no cramps and the baby is only measuring 5 weeks when she/he should be 7 weeks. My hcg is at 3,166…I’m supposed to go back in 2 days to have the levels checked again but with the amount of blood I’ve been passing since I got home, I see no point. My first prenatal appointment is this upcoming Saturday (07.24.21). I was so looking forward to it and now I’m just heartbroken. Thank you again for sharing your story from your heart. I know that had to have been hard. Typing the words and saying them out loud is a dagger that hurts beyond belief.
Ugh, I am so so sorry. It is an absolutely horrible feeling, and physically and emotionally painful. My heart hurts for you. I will say prayers for you as you navigate next steps and begin to heal. Thank you for your comment and vulnerability. You are not alone. <3
I just found out i had a miscarriage today i would of been 8 weeks as the same as u actually. Ur story is soooo similar as yours. As I was reading ur story i was just like wow (all me). I haven’t got the medication yet to end the pregnancy im just scared but reading ur story really is giving me the strength to do it already i just need to pick it up from my pharmacy. My emotions are all over the place. But im praying when this all set and done and my body recovers i can try for our rainbow baby. Thank u for sharing ur story it really helped i really felt alone (i do have my husbands support dont get me wrong) but sometimes we need to hear it from a women’s perspective. We are not alone in this. We got this. Im praying for ur rainbow 🌈 baby. Once again thank u.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know it can feel so scary, but I’m glad my story helped you know a little bit of what to expect and know that you are not alone. I’m glad you have some good support as well – I agree, talking with women who have been there is typically the most helpful. Thinking of you and praying for you. <3
Thanks for your post. I am in the same exact position down to the new house! I started miscarrying today after not seeing growth past 6 weeks on my 8 week scan. They told me I could have ovulated later than I thought but I knew that was wrong because we only had see a few times and I tracked my cervical mucus. It’s hard when you go in so excited to see that baby and then there’s just silence on the obgyn’s end. We are closing on our new build on Monday and that’s so exciting and I’m glad I have that to look forward to. This was my first pregnancy. I don’t blame myself, not sure if I will. Came looking for stories about miscarriage pain because I’m suffering right now (cramping) but I just keep saying the mantra “this pain will soon be a memory “. Thanks again.
I am so sorry to hear this. 🙁 Yes, I remember that feeling so well. You just have this gut feeling and know something is off right away. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you have some good things happening in your life to keep you busy and happy, like I did with the new house, too! But don’t forget to let yourself grieve as much as you need to, and know that the grief will come in waves over the next several months. I felt like I was doing okay for the first few weeks after, but once the dust settled, it hit me harder again a few months later. Don’t be afraid to talk about it and ask for help if you need. Talking to a grief counselor was super beneficial for me. <3 Praying for you!
I related to this post so much. I am 2 days post miscarriage and its a surreal feeling. I found out yesterday that there is no more baby inside me. I was 2 days shy of being 9wks. I, like you, considered myself fortunate every day that I saw no blood when I used the bathroom. Miscarriage and ectopic were my fears being pregnant although I had a healthy first pregnancy and never saw any sort of colored dishcharge. This time I first started seeing brown discharge Sunday. Freaked me out! It turned to a deep red the next day and I went to the er to have an ultrasound. They were not helpful there at all except they let me know the baby was measuring more like 6 wks not closer to 9 so that I may have my dates wrong. I know when I got pregnant. So they said it’s a threatened miscarriage so watch for more bleeding and so on. The next day more blood and by afternoon I had pain too. I passed several blood clots and the toilet became my enemy. I hated looking to see what might be in the toilet. I passed what appeared to be tissue. And I just cried. My belly had already started to show being my 2nd pregnancy and all of a sudden my belly felt different.. the next day we went to do an ultrasound and there was no baby. I was almost sure there wouldn’t be but I was still hoping. Now I’m trying to process it all but I’m so disappointed. I never wanted to be the mom that had to say I’ve had 2 pregnancies but only one to term. Now trying to see things differently. I know it’ll be the little things that hurt me most, canceling appointments, seeing the few close friends we told, putting away my sons big bro shirt ( at least for now). Thanks so much for your putting your feelings and experience out there. It is one of the things thats helping my healing process.
Ugh, I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. It is an indescribable pain and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am so glad that sharing my story was helpful for you — I know it is nice to talk about it with others who truly understand what you are going through. So many prayers for you as you begin the grieving process. <3
Thank you for sharing your story. So many of your emotions and statements are exactly what I’ve been through. I’ve been down today. It hits out of no where. I lost my baby in February. Your words have helped me today. I pray God blesses you and know your little one is in His hands.
My 3 year old never knew of my pregnancy. Around the time I would have been due, she out of the blue said, “I have a sister. She died. But she’s in heaven with the angels.” It was all I could do not to cry at that moment but she gave me the peace I needed at that moment.
Wow, this gave me chills. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so sorry about your loss, and I know grief can absolutely come in waves and hit you out of nowhere. Let yourself feel all the feelings, mama. Thinking of you and prayers for healing for you as well. <3
I find it comforting to read your blog and the comments, too. Our baby’s heartbeat stopped at 8 weeks, too. Just like you, I also felt at the beginning that something might go wrong. I had inexplicable thoughts of miscarriage at the very beginning. We did not expect to get pregnant right away, but our little angel was already so loved! Yesterday, 3 weeks after our baby’s heartbeat stopped, I had my D&C since my body doesn’t recognize I miscarried. And from where I live, there is no medicine available to take- either I pass it all out naturally or go on a surgery. I could not feel anything anymore and I have so many anxieties about trying, getting pregnant and then miscarry. I am so lost, but reading your blog gives me hope that in God’s perfect time, we’ll find all the answers. Blessings to you and your family!
Ugh, I am so so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you sharing your story too, and I’m so glad you find comfort in reading mine and all the other women who have unfortunately had a similar experience. I completely understand all of your fears, and I felt the exact same way. I feel so blessed to have my rainbow baby now, and I pray you will get yours too. <3